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A sheer T-shirt dress for anyone who needs to communicate externally that they’ve only been listening to Billie Eilish in their Air Pods since When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? came out.
A small modern tote for carrying all of your influencer essentials: a small ring light, tinted moisturizer, a tapestry with a cactus on it in case of emergency.
A coffee dripper — 2019 is the year you stop bothering the barista you have a crush on and become your own barista you have a crush on.
A Stila Stay All Day liquid eyeliner pen for absolutely nailing that cat eye — and not in vain. This formula lasts all heckin’ day. Just ask my eyelids who have been covered in this stuff for six years straight.
A pair of round, mirrored sunnies that say “That’s right, I’m Miranda Bonnaroo, heiress to the Bonnaroo fortune, and I demand respect.”
A tulle A-line skirt to channel Carrie Bradshaw in the most literal way possible, short of putting on a Sarah Jessica Parker mask.
A cross-back apron that will make you feel like you work in the Bon Appétit test kitchen, which YouTube has made me believe is the coolest place to work in the universe. Ok, ok, BuzzFeed’s pretty sweet too, but I certainly don’t get to wear a minimalist apron.
A pack of transparent socks to add the perfect trendy touch to any humdrum look. Ugh, even your TOES are stylin’!
An agate stone pendant for serving some geologist realness. Anything sounds cooler if you put “realness” after it — that, like geology itself, is just science.
A subscription to Dia & Co so amazing clothes simply arrive at your door every month. “What’s cooler than being cool?” Having a stylist hand-select incredible outfits and accessories just for you.
A gold bar set that will elevate your home car from “half-empty bottle of Jäger stored horizontally in the freezer” to “craft cocktail bar where every drink is $17 and tbh worth every penny.”
A wool beret for giving your wardrobe a ~French twist~. Berets have been, are, and will always be painfully stylish.
Chunky Chelsea boot heels so rock and roll, as soon as you don them, you’ll instantly know every word of Joan Jett’s discography. (Do not hold me accountable for this claim.)
A string light curtain, because nobody has ever hung up string lights in their apartment and NOT gotten a million compliments from friends immediately.
A mini skirt that might intimidate the rest of the clothes in your drawers with its raw hem detail, ease of wear, and effortless cool factor.
A Seinfeld reference book so you can easily bring up episodes in conversation, assuring everyone you’re absolutely committed to timeless comedy AND the never-ending ’90s trend.
A denim jacket, because John Travolta didn’t wear denim on denim on denim for years playing Vinnie Barbarino on Welcome Back, Kotter for us to ever move on from the trend.
And some patches for your denim jacket. I cannot HELP but recommend these The Rock and Dwight ones. But be careful, you may be approached by too many people trying to compliment you.
A tote bag from BuzzFeed’s “Eating Your Feed,” because if you’re really trying to be with it, ya gotta get sustainable. This bb is great for carrying real groceries, but has the distinct perk of just being ironic if you’re using it to carry anything else.
A pair of distressed Topshop jeans your elderly relatives will 100% rib you about. That’s how you know they’re working. 😎
A record player to signal to everyone who enters your apartment that you care about the analog sound of recordings. Whether or not you actually do is another story, and one that in this situation doesn’t really matter.
A tie-front dress with a small cutout so it always appears as if you’ve just returned from a glorious vacation. “Ah yes, I just got back from Martinique!” said the person who flew home from Martinique eight months ago.
A classic Moleskine notebook for writing down all of your lofty thoughts the moment you have them. Can’t let those nuggets of genius* escape!
*[doodles of Spongebob]
A pleated skirt in a number of bold patterns, because NOBODY can tell you not to wear a flamingo print skirt to an 8 a.m. meeting. If they try, let me know, and I’ll march down there and tell them what’s what.
A Porter Bowl if you want to flex on your coworkers. Yes, you remember to make lunch, yes you’re singlehandedly saving the planet, it’s nbd.
Wide-legged pants that can only be worn with confidence. But I dare anyone to put on these high-waisted stunners and not feel like they own the room.
A quirky A-line dress that tells the world three things: 1) You’re not afraid to wear a bold pattern 2) You’re a proud plant parent 3) You’re awesome
Temporary tattoos to give you the edgy look you so desire without the whole — ya know — paying thousands of dollars to have that edgy look forever thing.
A whole lot of velvet scrunchies so you can have over a *month* of fresh hairstyles. Scrunchies are BACK, BABY, and six-year-old me is shaking.
A set of artificial succulents in pots to keep up appearances that you actually know how to keep any kind of plant alive. Just put them on a high shelf and nobody will ever be the wiser.
A pack of temporary hair color chalk so you can look super rad for the day without being known as “Green Haired Suzy” for the rest of your natural life.
A midcentury modern futon to stun all of your guests with your keen eye for design and seemingly large budget…even though this killer piece is under $300 and from Amazon ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Vans Old Skool skate shoes so even if your skating days are behind you, it’ll at least appear as if you still rip. Scrape them against a curb a few times for maximum believability.
And of course, a copy of Infinite Jest, perfect for the shelf or for gluing to your hand until the end of time.